The Strings of Struggle

Late and slow, but I'm finally making some progress in my guitar adventure.

I've been constantly surprised by how discouraging even the smallest new challenge has been to my taking time to practice, and of course not practicing means staying stuck behind those challenges (there's a whole other topic of what does and doesn't motivate me to do the work of a skill in order to get better at it applying to writing and coding as well as playing music, but I’m going to save that for another time).

These issues only work themselves out with time and practice, and time and practice WILL work them out, my chief struggle, though, is dealing with the discouragement I feel running up against these challenges and trying to find a way past those feelings not involving setting the guitar back in its stand and walking away.

The Challenges
Chords - This was the most obvious issue I was aware of when I started. There were a huge number of positions for my hand and fingers on the fret board, and I was going have to learn them. What I didn’t realize was even when I was comfortable with the basics of a given chord, G, say, getting my wide sausage fingers to correctly contact the right strings and ONLY the right strings was going to require more conscious effort that I was mentally prepared for.

Chord changes - G to E minor, no problem. G to C and back again, sure, if you're not in a hurry.

Barre chords - There was a brief moment after I consulted several YouTube videos about this problem where I could successfully hit an F. That moment has escaped and will need to be hunted down and rounded up again. In the mean time this deficit has severely restricted finding songs to try and practice on. The darned things are everywhere!

Using the pick - This is probably the most surprising thing I've run into: I don’t have a clue how to use the pick. I generally feel pretty comfortable strumming down strokes with my thumb, but when I try the same with a pick things devolve rapidly to discord both in terms of sound and my ability to properly hit all the strings in a chord. It never occurred to me the base action of strumming with a pick was going to be it’s own skill, not to mention one I would struggle so much with.

Strumming patterns - I figured once I got a basic set of chords down, I’d be good to play at least a couple songs. Stoke down on the strings of a chord, change to another chord, stroke down again, repeat. Instead, there’s a whole range of patterns combining down and up strokes defining tempo as well as the sound of a song, and when you combine an embarrassing level of incoordination with my existing pick issues, cacophony prevails.

Tempo - Then there’s tempo itself. Keeping a beat is obviously a key part of any musical expression, but it’s also another thing which I have no aptitude for, and thus struggle to understand much less implement.

I do finally feel like I'm making some progress in handling the discouragement which is leading to more practice which is leading to at least some improvements. We'll see what another year brings.

Slipping Out of Tune

I tweak my main playlist just a bit every few weeks, but it tends to truly molt and renew only once a year or so, and that time of sonic renewel is upon me. Even so, these songs have been good to me, and as I let most of them go (except for Fenne Lily. She's not going anywhere), I wanted to put a marker in the etheric ground for all the time we spent together.

Fenne Lily - What's Good, Car Park, & really the whole album On Hold

Lady Gaga - The Cure

Tow'rs - Going

Grizfolk (feat. James N. Commons) - In My Arms

Birdy - Wild Horses, Deep End & Lifted

Kodaline - Talk

Sweet Talk Radio - Dotted Lines

Kathleen Edwards - A Soft Place to Land

Silver Trees feat. Bailey Jehl - Paper Hearts

Oh Wonder - Bigger Than Love

Gordi feat. S. Carey - I'm Done

Lord Huron - The Night We Met

Ingrid Michaelson - My Darling

LEON - I Believe in Us

Bishop Briggs - Dream

Ryan McMullan - Ghosts

Anna Nalick - All Through the Night

The Goo Goo Dolls - Use Me

Anxious About The Unbroken

The rollout has gone shockingly well, and here at the end of the week all the key bugs have been squashed and several small feature requests have already been implemented.

What's been most surprising is how anxious the process has made me, even as it's gone so well: the self inflicted level of hypervigilance to the flow of the office, and the stress over getting the bugs worked out as quickly as possible, even when they aren't major, or function imparing. Both my mood and energy have been shot at the end of every day this week.

On the one hand, I'm thrilled with how undisasterous the week's been, but on the other, I'm disappointed in how easy it still is for anxiety to become such a powerful effector on me.

I need to be spending at least as much time on continuing to unravel my mind as I do on improving my coding skills.

I'm Totally Destroying Your Chart After 10 Years

Our office itself is an independent, single practitioner, out-patient Internal Medicine/Family Practice clinic, but to be able to provide the best service to her patients, my wife finds it valuable to maintain privileges at the local hospital.

Fairly recently said hospital was acquired by a larger hospital system , which has required my wife to go through a whole new process of credentialing in order to continue those privileges. Late last week we were informed the process includes a site inspection of our office by a team from the new hospital system.

We’ve had inspections before by the local fire department as well as several of the insurance providers we’re contracted with, but the list of items the hospital wanted to check on was significantly more extensive than those previous inspections, and we were given less than a week's notice to prepare. Equipment had to be checked, documentation written and updated, ducks had to be herded into rows, and in some cases glued down to keep them from subsequently wandering off.

I say all this chiefly to express my gratitude to my Office Manager for all her hard work, which garnered us an easily passing rate of 96%, only getting dinged for not having specialized equipment an office our size would never have, and because the handicap sigil in the designated parking space out front had faded to the point of non-existence (an issue which will be pointed out to our landlord whose responsibility it is to maintain).

The other reason I'm writing this is to bookmark for myself how satisfying it was at the end of the inspection to realize how far the office has come from the chaos which had characterized most of our history. The inspectors fairly breezed through the office, able to find and identify all the many things on their list quickly and easily, whether it related to emergency or safety equipment, policies or documentation, or the general operation of our facility and staff.

There were so many years where it felt like everything was just hanging by a thread, despite exhausting amounts of physical and mental effort. The toll the business has taken has been much more than we expected or planned for. Now, though, we stand poised to reap the rewards of all the hard work, even if it’s coming later than we wanted, and to move into a new stage of our lives with actual hope and joy.

Next up, identifying and incorporating all the incentivized bits of tracked data required by Medicare Advantage plans into our in-house programs. At least that'll have me writing code rather than policies and procedures.

Put Me In The Front

I have seen live performances before my recent engagements with the theatre. Most memorably I saw All That Jazz at a huge venue in LA sometime in the late 80's and The Phantom of the Opera at a similarly large stage in Norfolk, Virginia in the the late '90's.

I did not much enjoy either performance which led me to believe I didn't enjoy live shows on the whole. It turns out, though, what I didn't enjoy was watching small homunculi move around on a far away stage as I tried to figure out what they were doing and feeling.

My habit in the past was to go to shows late and cheap which tended to put me and my poor vision too far from the action to feel at all involved.

But now I have discovered the first three rows and center stage. For me, that's where the magic lives: effected by every detail of the actors and the scenery, being able to see emotions dance and war across faces, to hear all the whispers and sighs.

I want to be absorbed into a scene, so even if it's a bad play or performance, at its end I'll feel as though I've lived, and suffered, and rejoiced as someone else in a way which allows me to incorporate new experiences and ideas into myself.

All The Great Shows!

A bit more than six months ago it was brought to my attention that I had basically given up on living and being a part of the world. It was an abrupt and shocking revelation, more so as I realized it was true. An unintentional but highly curated diet of anxiety, depression, and sense of failure had grown about me a kind of mobile tomb.

I have long had unacknowledged tendencies towards social anxiety and introversion which I often let interfere with my ability to live outside my head, but in the last several years I had let those tendencies become controlling forces, and realizing what I had allowed myself to become was a painful and disconcerting wake up call.

Thankfully, with the help of a loving, supportive family and a bit of medication, I was able to begin the process of deconstructing that tomb, acknowledging and facing my struggles with anxiety and depression, start finding my way back to being alive in the world, and to sharing that life with the people around me.

Part of that path has included discovering the treasure trove of local live performance venues and the many talented people willing to share stories and songs and bits of themselves in spellbinding and life affirming ways.

Almost every Friday night for most of the the last six months my wife and I (and my mother more and more often) have made our way to one of these venues to experience the comfort of being with people and sharing with them joy.

So far for 2018:

Crowns (Mahogany Ensemble Theatre) Shreveport Little Theatre is a beautiful, comfortable, well equipped theater and is easily my favorite venue.

Crowns was billed as a musical exegesis on the evolution and role of hats in the community of African American women of the South, something I was eager to learn about.

In truth, the hats themselves, and there were a great many, were never really explained as social artifacts so much as being lead-ins to stories about what it meant for black women in the Jim Crow South struggling to gain and maintain a sense of dignity and worth. A vastly more important lesson.

Neverlyn Townsel as Mother Shaw and Wilma Moore Young as Mabel sang with such power and grace it was hard not to be moved.

Taste of the Norton I've become a big fan and supporter of the Longview Museum of Fine Arts, and after my stop over in Chicago last year where I was able to spend an afternoon at The Art Institute of Chicago (Thank you, Luke!) I've discovered a deeper enjoyment of art in general.

When the opportunity to mix adventuring to a new museum along with sampling exotic food came up, I bit at it. We had a wonderful time at The RW Norton Art Gallery in Shreveport enjoying the art inspired nibbles of Chef Blake Jackson.

I was particularly enthralled with the works of Albert Bierstadt. The way he used light to bring his landscapes to life was like nothing I've seen before. I could be absorbed into 'Garden of the Gods' for days.

We stayed until our feet wore out and we still didn't get to see everything.

The Lyons (Stage Center) Central Artstation in Shreveport was a new venue for us and we ended up in the front row of a stage-less performing area for this dark comedy about a deeply dysfunctional family.

Sitting directly in front of Earleen Bergeron, who spent most of the play in her role as Rita Lyons dispensing the largest share of the plays dialogue from a hospital room chair, she did an amazing job, and I was deeply impressed with her performance by the end.

That said, the opening of the second act was creepy and fairly disturbing, beyond what the point it was trying to make needed, as far as I was concerned, and the presence of the father's ghost was lost on me.

Peter and the Starcatcher (Texarkana Repertory Company) An origin story for the characters of Peter Pan and his Lost Boys based on the novel by humorist Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson, I am lost for superlatives regarding this performance.

An incredible cast (particularly John McDonald as Black Stache, Emily McDonald as Molly, and Alex Rain as Mrs. Bumbrake) executing complex roles as actors, props, and scenery flawlessly. What these lads and lass did with boxes, lengths of ropes, and their own bodies to help tell the story was innovatively, hilariously, brilliant.

The second act got a little weird, opening with a musical number by cross dressing mermaids, but the cast was committed, and it was a truly wonderful way to spend an evening.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if this ends up being our favorite show of the year, and I'm looking forward to seeing more by TexRep.

Vinegar Tom (Panola College) A variation on The Crucible focusing on, as much as anything, the way social systems designed and controlled by men not simply affect, but are often internalized by women, thinking back two days later I feel like I have a better sense of the play's intent than I did at the time.

We saw The Crucible last year at Kilgore College and found the story to be rather bland (I had not read or seen it before), so came into this performance with limited expectations.

Things lifted early on as we recognized the female leads from their roles in last years moving performance of Steel Magnolias. It was fun to see how much they had improved in the intervening months, seeming more comfortable in their lines and actions.

I will say this variation was more interesting, and more relevant, than The Crucible, I'm just not that into stories about old timey witch hunts as tools for exerting social power. But I'm still thinking about it days later, so a win for the author and performers.

And we're only two months in! This year we're planning to expand our Friday evening adventures to include the local ballet, opera, and symphony, and I'm looking forward to the start of this years Texas Shakespeare Festival and spending more time sharing the experience of being amazed and wondered.

2018 Intentions

New Patterns

  • Write a short story every month (and a poem every week?)
  • Start a regular cardio workout
  • Figure out and implement regular guitar practice regimen
  • Find a new service effort to be involved in

New Singletons

  • Get an app on the macOS App Store
  • Write an iOS app for the office
  • Write an Apple Watch app for myself
  • Learn to play a song on the guitar all the way through without using a chord chart and without looking at my fingering on the fret board.

Improve Existing Patterns

  • Continue weight training routine, increasing granularity and number of days/week
  • Continue improving sleep hygiene with the goal of averaging 7hrs/night
  • Continue to improve eating habits (including losing and keep off another 20 lbs)
  • Continue working on depression issues
  • Take another overseas trip (possibly back to Iceland)
  • Continue improving programming skills
  • Continue improving the profitability of the business (increase by at least another $1k/month)